Damn. cant get in her blog?
guess she forgets me easily huh?
Told ya, im totally boring .
so everyone else just doesn't remember me .
Freak.
This bloody feeling is clinging back onto me.
Why is it that ever single time i tried to shake it off,
and that when i'm close to being successful,
something just pops out of nowhere,
killing all my efforts?
If all these goes on again and again,
I don't know how many times i can withstand it..
and someday i might just break
and you'll find me talking to a counselor.

~I really dont know whether to forgive and just forget.
~As a good friend, i know i should... but am i one to her?
~Should i really change to suit the others? The answer is always no answer.

The drift i felt was evident.
I.. felt sad..
but nevertheless,
i know that it cant be avoided
afterall we were such different people
who's life doesn't seemed to cross
It's just softball that is supporting everything else
.. a friendship build on something
cant last..
hahas . i know it well
since the beginning of the year
when i gave her the bdae present
when she didn't tell me abt him.
when she kind of didn't bother when i cried cause of
another broken friendship

it may be because im sensitive..
but i've seen it coming ..
a trip overseas can mark the end of the friendship beautifully :)
so i guess i'll let it go ..
I'll keep my mind prepared for whatever that comes next yr

she's a very good friend. best i have had so far.
I don't blame anyone that our bff thing doesn't last
cause im just not interesting nor engaging ..
I'm just a boring , serious and uninteresting person :)

alrights. :) i've complained enough ..
i'll get it off my chest and go eat my meggie now! :D

No one'll know how i feel unless this posts are read..
hahas
cant be like b4 with michelle
faced with the fact that there are quite a number of pple who
dont like me
faced with the fact that i am such a boring person
.
.
hurt. though i know i shouldn't be . im the one who's wrong
i shouldn't be the one getting hurt
.
but
who likes to be alone?
none.
and that of course doesn't exclude me
.
know how i felt when in class .. pple
all have their buddies ?
to talk to?
to partner during chem & physics spa lessons?
to walk to the bus stop?
to buy stuffs at northpoint?
.
no one will know that feeling as clearly as me.
cause i've been enduring it for long.
so long that i fear i'll just be okay
being a loner
i dont like
i really hate being alone
but no one really care
NONe
shit
shit
SHIT
the more i write
the more emo i get.
i shouldn't dwell in it anymore.
i shouldn't
damn.
i dunno how i should change myself
i feel totally helpless
u guys always thought im smart
that i'll always know what to do
in fact no
alot of things
i haven't learn
cause i'm always alone
my family
we do every thing alone
i don't ask my parents what decision i should make
i don't ask my brother how i should do my work
i don't ask them when things dont work out
or when i don't know what to do
that's why
i always do things alone
independent.
it can be a good thing
strong on the outside.
it has it's bad side too.
cause nobody cares
they all think i can manage everything
that i'll do well alone
just like i normally do academically
.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.wrong.wrong.wrong.wrong
i really . need someone to be there for me
i can find this kind of comfort
when i'm with my family
my sister plays with me
my maid jokes and talk with me
my father and mother doesn't avoid me
nor do they ignore me
.
.
that's why i always like to be at home.
cause i don't need to be alone.
do anyone know
that during remedial breaks
i really don't wanna have breaks
cause im always left out
always
never am i counted or ask to eat with them
so i ask.
that's what i thought i should do
i thought it doesn't matter
but im wrong
it matters
alot
a whole lot.
.
.
thks angeline for being there and not dislike me
really
or i would have broken down
long time ago
.
im not as strong as i may seemed
in fact.
i feel that i am really weak
easy swayed
easy affected
it's just that i hide my weakness well
i avoid letting anyone touch or go near my weakness
.
just like sec 1 start of year
when im with sarah and michelle
they always laugh with one another
i felt abit left out
so i decided to find other friends
i chose to leave them first b4 they leave me

the only few times i've shown my weakness was
this year, the match against tanjong
i cried and blamed myself really hard for my mistakes
i couldn't control
the guilt i felt weighs down on me
im not capable of taking stress
that's why i keep making mistakes
but i dont wanna make these mistakes
that's why i felt guilty
guilty for being so weak
and even weaker when i cried
during the recent handball match
1st match against NUS for SHBCC
i still couldn't take the stress
that's why for the first half
i did really badly
break time
i cried
again.
im that weak
so dont think im strong
good thing with the teams encouragements
i stood up and played well in the 2nd half..
..dont think im strong. pls.
dont
i really want someone to treat me like every other girl
an ordinary girl who'll cry or feel that they need
a shoulder when they're stress
when they are scolded
when they felt really bad.

shit.
i wrote too much.
ha.
weak
so weak
to reveal too many
.
but it's ok
cause no one will ever get to read this post
.
~posting shall be the place i vent my emotions from now on.~

i'll try to change ~ for the better.
cause i dont like being weak.

Sometimes i just feel so lonely.
hmm. It just can't be helped.
u know...
I really want to love and also be loved.
but i dunno when that's gonna happen.
cause i feel that communicating to those
erm childish or thoughtless and not thoughtful guys
are just like. difficult.
i like how some of them are funny and stuffs but
they're still lacking that ' xi xing ' .. hmm..
Anyway, today talk to Angeline about the
' shi jie mo re ' thing on the 2012 dec 21 ..
hahas i just made me think
what i will regret not doing most if i really die on that day..
i think ... i'll regret not being in love or in a relationship
if until then i still don't date with anyone.
yeah. that's the one.

I'll post here if i've got more inner thoughts & feelings
to share . :)
~Away~

Today, i chatted with michelle..
we went to pasir ris to find friend and
then went to white sands
on the way back we talked about
friendship and some of our feelings and stuffs
i realised i have to be more conscious of other's feelings :)

and dunno why
i feel so motivated to do well in every aspect of my life now
hahas
and also
angeline,
i haven been talking to u for a long time
man.. i miss ur company

hm.. hasn't been successful in my 1 week weight losing
programme
hahas
i slack too much le..
but i will start anew this week!!!
go su min!! :DD

hm.. i wanna get out of TAF . damn.
i wanna become different, even if a little,
the next time i meet him .. :)
it's on march 29 !!
:D

damn history.. i dunno if i can pass
this time.
i dunno if i can cope with history,
chemistry and physics ...
i want to work hard..
dunno when my engine will start
hahas
but i think this time round i will
still get the 70% thing if
i work for it.. :)
which i think i will..

i hope march will end quickly
i hope june holiday will come soon
but mrs kumar says , there's not much time
she hopes that time passes slower...
which is like..
wth.

hm these days i have been thinking abt
u know, the overseas thingy
hahas
i dunno why i am so into it also...
hahas i guess i just cant wait to get out
of this little red dot?
hai..
seriously, i dunno whether u are serious
about being ok or enthusiastic abt this overseas
thing...
really
cause it's gonna cause alot and
there's alot of adventure abt it
:)
actually ,
i myself know that there's a damn big percentage
of not being able to go
but i still wan to
especially the thought of being overseas with
like friends and without family ?
THAT is TOTALLY thrilling!!!
hahs
my wings hard liao i wan to fly lei
hahas
but i think my wings are not as hard i think it is
hahas
:)

errr.. also, i doubt that u can expect much
from ur present this time round
hahas
u know must save up , right?
hahas though dunno can use anot.
even if cannot go taiwan also must go somewhere else
:)

hope u wont mind this time round de present hahas
there's still many birthdays to come in the future!
:DD


SuMin.
--End--

Gosh Angeline Koh Mei Ee...
There's like a bruise on my hand now..
that's the work of ur knuckles..
the colour sort of turned abit purple+red..
hahas it's doesn't hurt if u don't press it
so i guess it's still not bad
hahas

Anyway i was actually wondering how u are
gonna deal with * that situation...
Tell me if u are ever gonna ask...
lol
i want a detail thing about it if u asked.
:)
Really hope that things can work well ..
u know, after all it's a situation that can
turn out into many different possible outcomes...

Today in class i didnt do much..
just the usual.
slacking in maths lesson reading books?
hahas
umm chemistry stuffs hasn't been getting into my brain recently
and i seriously think i will have problem with my upcoming , if there's any, chemistry test...
O right by the way, next tuesday's game
probably me, shiyun, anna, melissa and claire
are gonna be real late for warm up
and if that's the case, can u help lead the team
to warm up and set up all the things?
and then again don't let coach do the pitching machine thing
cause i totally think it is like useless?
agree uh? :D
o ya the reason for this is that the 5 of us
have our Physics SPA exam
which is part of the o ' level thing
yeah a big thing
hahas
and 4 from s1 missed our physics SPA today for the match..
so didnt get to play with all the apparatus
and apparently it's quite a bad thing

going for the match also has a good side though
cause samuel told me that most of the pple in our class
got scolded for the work we passed up the other time
and i got lucky to get away from it
hahas
and plus we get to skip the chinese thing
now i don't like chinese
don't know why
i guess it's just like tiring to do chinese
like every sentence u would like to write always
have a word u don't know how to write
and u have to change it
it's like ... troublesome?
o ya and today sorry for not meeting u after my tuition
apparently i also forget to borrow calculator from my tuition teacher.
but i got a calculator from my brother.
though i don't really know how to operate it.
but anyway i think it will somehow come in handy..
so before i actually fall asleep while writing this post
i better go off first
and to tell u secretly, i haven't bathe yet.
and i'm going to do it now
hahas
:D

-End-

One or two , i kept it from her..
i know it will make her feel weird
and make me feel uncomfortable.
so , i am keeping it a secret
till i find that it's ok to say it out..
-------------------------------
Can't believe R did those stuffs but
still have to :(
Me and Her was like fretting how to break the news to R.
...
-------------------------------
Damn ..

I feel so zibei..
ha dunno why also.
I may appear cheerful
I may appear to be one who express herself well.
No matter whether it is anger or happiness.
but in fact, it's not totally right to describe me that way..
I feel that this inferior feeling ,
probably someone like me will understand it.
umm.. maybe ShiYun will understand ?
-----------------------

U know i wanna work harder
but i lack the motivation
part of me thinks that it's not possible.
part of me understands that it is possible.
part of me wants to work hard.
part of me wants to just slack.
Part of me wants myself just to heck care about everything.
but i know fully well i cant
always trapped in this kind of ...
i dunno how to describe it,
but it makes me tired.
mentally.
--------------------------


I think i dont understand myself.