No one'll know how i feel unless this posts are read..
hahas
cant be like b4 with michelle
faced with the fact that there are quite a number of pple who
dont like me
faced with the fact that i am such a boring person
.
.
hurt. though i know i shouldn't be . im the one who's wrong
i shouldn't be the one getting hurt
.
but
who likes to be alone?
none.
and that of course doesn't exclude me
.
know how i felt when in class .. pple
all have their buddies ?
to talk to?
to partner during chem & physics spa lessons?
to walk to the bus stop?
to buy stuffs at northpoint?
.
no one will know that feeling as clearly as me.
cause i've been enduring it for long.
so long that i fear i'll just be okay
being a loner
i dont like
i really hate being alone
but no one really care
NONe
shit
shit
SHIT
the more i write
the more emo i get.
i shouldn't dwell in it anymore.
i shouldn't
damn.
i dunno how i should change myself
i feel totally helpless
u guys always thought im smart
that i'll always know what to do
in fact no
alot of things
i haven't learn
cause i'm always alone
my family
we do every thing alone
i don't ask my parents what decision i should make
i don't ask my brother how i should do my work
i don't ask them when things dont work out
or when i don't know what to do
that's why
i always do things alone
independent.
it can be a good thing
strong on the outside.
it has it's bad side too.
cause nobody cares
they all think i can manage everything
that i'll do well alone
just like i normally do academically
.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.wrong.wrong.wrong.wrong
i really . need someone to be there for me
i can find this kind of comfort
when i'm with my family
my sister plays with me
my maid jokes and talk with me
my father and mother doesn't avoid me
nor do they ignore me
.
.
that's why i always like to be at home.
cause i don't need to be alone.
do anyone know
that during remedial breaks
i really don't wanna have breaks
cause im always left out
always
never am i counted or ask to eat with them
so i ask.
that's what i thought i should do
i thought it doesn't matter
but im wrong
it matters
alot
a whole lot.
.
.
thks angeline for being there and not dislike me
really
or i would have broken down
long time ago
.
im not as strong as i may seemed
in fact.
i feel that i am really weak
easy swayed
easy affected
it's just that i hide my weakness well
i avoid letting anyone touch or go near my weakness
.
just like sec 1 start of year
when im with sarah and michelle
they always laugh with one another
i felt abit left out
so i decided to find other friends
i chose to leave them first b4 they leave me

the only few times i've shown my weakness was
this year, the match against tanjong
i cried and blamed myself really hard for my mistakes
i couldn't control
the guilt i felt weighs down on me
im not capable of taking stress
that's why i keep making mistakes
but i dont wanna make these mistakes
that's why i felt guilty
guilty for being so weak
and even weaker when i cried
during the recent handball match
1st match against NUS for SHBCC
i still couldn't take the stress
that's why for the first half
i did really badly
break time
i cried
again.
im that weak
so dont think im strong
good thing with the teams encouragements
i stood up and played well in the 2nd half..
..dont think im strong. pls.
dont
i really want someone to treat me like every other girl
an ordinary girl who'll cry or feel that they need
a shoulder when they're stress
when they are scolded
when they felt really bad.

shit.
i wrote too much.
ha.
weak
so weak
to reveal too many
.
but it's ok
cause no one will ever get to read this post
.
~posting shall be the place i vent my emotions from now on.~

i'll try to change ~ for the better.
cause i dont like being weak.

Sometimes i just feel so lonely.
hmm. It just can't be helped.
u know...
I really want to love and also be loved.
but i dunno when that's gonna happen.
cause i feel that communicating to those
erm childish or thoughtless and not thoughtful guys
are just like. difficult.
i like how some of them are funny and stuffs but
they're still lacking that ' xi xing ' .. hmm..
Anyway, today talk to Angeline about the
' shi jie mo re ' thing on the 2012 dec 21 ..
hahas i just made me think
what i will regret not doing most if i really die on that day..
i think ... i'll regret not being in love or in a relationship
if until then i still don't date with anyone.
yeah. that's the one.

I'll post here if i've got more inner thoughts & feelings
to share . :)
~Away~